


A New Homestuck Story

by Acid_Jack, cancerouscactus



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Crack, Dirk sucks unknown dick, F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi, One Shot Collection, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-13
Updated: 2017-06-18
Packaged: 2018-11-13 20:00:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11192388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Acid_Jack/pseuds/Acid_Jack, https://archiveofourown.org/users/cancerouscactus/pseuds/cancerouscactus
Summary: Dave just wanted John to teach Karkat how to cook.





	1. Burn

It was a hot day. Perfect for doing buttfuck nothing. Because it’s hot as shit. At least according to Dave, you shouldn’t do shit on a day like this. However, here they were, trying to teach Karkat how to cook successful human food that doesn’t kill everyone who tries to consume it. Dave, John, and Karkat where all crowded into Dave’s shitty ass motherfucking apartment. Dirk was sucking dick in the other room. No one knew whose dick he was sucking. Not even Dirk. Dirk has questionable habits no one questions, a contradiction in itself and yet here he is. Existing.

“Okay, listen up boys,” Dave says over the loud moaning coming from the other room. “Today we’re learnin how to make a sandwich from the culinary genius that is John Egderp.”

“Dave???? You don’t know how to make a sandwich?????”

“Silence Egderp, we have no need for your spicy attitude.”

“WHY THE FUCK DO I NEED TO LEARN HOW TO MAKE A SANDWICH? I DON’T UNDERSTAND. ALSO WHO THE FUCK IS MAKING THOSE INFERNAL NOISES COMING FROM THE OTHER ROOM?”

“No one knows Karkat, no one knows.”

“Okay, actually, listen up you sorry lot, I’m actually going to teach you two how to make a fucking sandwich.” John cuts through the chaos of the kitchen and sets out the necessary materials required for sandwich making. “I never thought my life would come to this,” John mutters darkly as he fishes for the American cheese. “Never in a thousand years and a thousand lifetimes.”

  
“Aw don’t be like that Egderp, it’s just a sandwich. Also we probably need to do something before the noise decides to get so loud we can’t even think. Then we all get to deal with Dirk’s bitchin when Karkat finally decides to figure out who’s bein so loud.”

Karkat narrowed his eyes at Dave. “WHO IN THE EVERLOVING FUCK IS MAKING THOSE DISGUSTING NOISES STRIDER. IF IT’S DIRK I’M GOING TO FUCKING BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF HIM TILL HIS SHAME GLOBES ARE WHERE HIS EYES SHOULD BE.”

“Jesus Karkat, Dirk’s not making those noises. Now let’s make a fucking sandwich.”

“Yea it’d be hard to make any noise when you’ve got your mouth full.”

“WHAT.”

John gave Dave a fucking fist sandwich before picking the blond up off the ground and yelling at both of them. “Sandwich time!”

With a heavy sigh, Dave submits to John’s alpha leadership. “What have you laid out here?”

“Oh, well, it’s just some bread and some cheese slices, deli meats, and some healthy vegetables such as lettuce and if you wanna get extra wild we also have some bell peppers, cut and ready for consumption. Oh! And of course some condiments.” John lists out, pointing out at the objects as he lists them.

“Right, so, what do we do first sensei?”

“WHY ARE YOU CALLING HIM THAT?”

“It’s a human joke Karkat, now! First step! You take out two bread slices!” John raises them up and shows his children dutifully, “then you put on some mustard or some mayo, this is the human equivalent to grub sauce Karkat.” John says giving the open mouthed Karkat the answer to his question before he asked. John knows his children very well. “This is because you don’t want a dry as the sahara sandwich. No one wants a dry sandwich. It’s disgusting.”

“Ah, so this is where I’ve been going wrong.” Dave shakes his head, “I should’ve known a sandwich needed bread.”

John gives Dave a disbelieving look. “So you’ve just been making like, mustard covered deli meat roll ups? Your whole life? How? What? I’m just…” John trails off despairingly, shaking his head in astonishment.

“Next!” John says picking up his well mustard-ed bread, “You pick your chosen deli meat,” John picks up two slices of ham, “in this case I’ve chosen ham because that’s what I like! But some people like turkey, or, um, I guess, yeah I don’t really know. Ham’s the best, end of discussion.” John folds the two pieces and artfully placed on one slice of the bread.

“UH, JOHN, DO HUMAN TABLES USUALLY CATCH FIRE?”

“What? Karkat I’m busy making a sandwich.”

“Karkat, how did you catch my table on fire?” Dave asks incredulously.

John turns to look back at the kitchen table. It’s on fire. “Oh my fucking god!” He screeches as the fire spreads to his freshly made sandwich. It’s in flames before he can do anything.

“It was just a boy.” John sobs quietly. The kitchen roars with flame.

Needless to say, Dirk was not pleased when he was interrupted because the kitchen caught fire.

“How did this even happen?”

“YOUR SHITTY EARTH TABLE DECIDED TO BLOW UP.”

John just looked between Dave and Karkat.

“There wasn’t even any fire to work with… How the hell did you guys burn the house down???”

The plus one still had his pants unbuckled and open, Dirk gave him a look before clearing his throat.

“So, you fucking” Dirk was staring at Dave, “Burnt the apartment trying to make sandwiches?”

“Eyup”

An epic staredown commenced until Dave caved and turned to John.

“We’re staying at your house.”

A single tear fell down John’s face as they all piled into the shitty old car of Dirk’s, neon blue with My Little Pony’s all over it.

Karkat gave John a sympathetic look as the Striders essentially kidnapped him and took him back to his house.

Karkat managed to escape that fate, but Dad won’t.

Dirk drove back staring at Dave the whole way, who was in the passenger seat screaming.


	2. Kale

John has been getting some worrying texts from Dave that are making no sense. Knocking on the door to the residence a completely nude Bro leaning on the doorway.

"Um, hello Mr. Strider"

It was very hard not looking at his huge dick.

"One thing to know before you set foot into this house. Here it's kale or be kaled."

John only had one moment of wtf before Dave climbed up the eldest Strider's back, just as nude.

"Just like he said John!" Dave pelted kale at John as the boy struggled to move and escape his situation.

"Kale!!" Dirk stuck his head through the doorway and chucked more of the green lettuce like shit before John finally got his wits about him and anscond the fuck out of there.


End file.
